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stories biography escapes archives


ME

<♥>

Hello, my name is Mylene.

Screams


Thursday, October 25, 2012
So I guess you must be wondering where I've been for the past month since I last blogged. I wish I could say my absence is because I've been busy with my life, with schoolwork and socializing and all, but in truth, it's because I've been battling depression. Again. I really am so full of shit; I keep motivating myself and prepping myself up, telling myself to change my attitude, but in the end, I still fall back into the same old vicious cycle. Except that this time, I'm having a very hard time getting out. It's like just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, I do.

I can't even begin to describe the misery that I've been living with everyday for the past one month. It greets me every morning when I wake up, accompanies me throughout the day, and haunts me in my dreams. It's a constant, never dying presence with me, in me. I've never felt so sad, alone, and helpless in my life before.

What triggered all this is a long story- and I don't think I want to go into too much details here- but I guess I'll summarize the essentials. If I were to really pinpoint the 2 main causes, it would be being shunned out of the blue without any explanation by my closest friends here, and then finding out that my dad's cancer had spread to his brain. It all began around mid September, when I realized that my 2 closest friends here were slowly starting to avoid me. They isolated me from our normal routine activities, like walking home from school. I knew they each had their own set of problems with me, but neither would tell me what was going on. So they just stuck together and left me out. At first I pretended nothing was wrong and just carried on life as normal, but the isolation slowly became increasingly obvious. And then one day, one of them burst on me because I'd used her hot water to take a shower. That was the day everything just went rapidly downhill. Said hot water theft victim started to completely avoid me, changing her routine around to avoid me, and wouldn't even look me in the eye if I talk to her, and wouldn't acknowledge my presence even if I walked past her. She just wore this black face whenever I was around. The other one, whom I was closer to and who actually started avoiding me first, started avoiding me even more, and would not give me a reason as to why she was behaving this way despite my repeated attempts to find out. She hemmed and hawed her way through my questions, and even though she actually did text me one night to ask if she could talk to me, she never did. After a lot of probing on my part, she gave this reason: that she was sick of me and this other guy constantly hating on each other, did I know that she soured her friendship with this guy because she was standing up for me against them, that she needed time to sort out her feelings. And after a whole lot of Skype conversation (yes, she never talked to me face to face), I still don't understand how all this is reason for her behavior.

So I felt abandoned. Deserted and isolated by my 2 closest friends here, thousands of miles away from home, I felt like I had no one here at all. I can't even begin to describe how lost and lonely I felt then. I was confused about their behavior, and no matter how much I asked, no one would tell me what was wrong, or what I did wrong. My initial confusion gave way to feelings of hurt, loneliness and abandonment, and finally a sort of despair. I despaired at the loss of our friendship, at how we suddenly became strangers to each other, when we were once such close friends. It's kind of like breaking up, but without being given an explanation as to why you've been dumped. I internalized everything, and spent countless days and nights wondering what went wrong, and what I did that was wrong. I took it upon myself, that I did something immensely unforgivable, and I felt like a horrible person. I felt like I was a bad person, because if so many people dislike you, the problem must be you, right? Within this small town I have 4 people disliking me, and these are all people that were once my close friends.I feel so hated, and I feel like I'm such a horrible person, for so many people to dislike me.

Maybe things wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been living with the 2 of them, but the fact is that I do. And every single day I am reminded of how left out I am, how alone I've become, how destroyed our friendship was, and how I have no idea what went wrong. Maybe I'd done something wrong, maybe I haven't. But whatever the real reason was, I realized one painful fact: that they don't care enough about me as a friend to even try and work things out with me. They'd rather just avoid the real issue at hand and drop me as a friend. Easy out.

I ended up going for counseling therapy, because I knew I needed help. My paranoia, my depression, my loneliness, my crumbling sense of self-worth, they were all adding up fast and turning me into a mental wreck. I was losing it fast. Really fast. I was lucky, I have a good counselor. And therapy did help, and I was starting to do somewhat better. And then I got the news that my father's nose cancer (which he recently underwent chemotherapy and surgery for) was back. And that the tumor had gone to his brain.

I don't think I can even begin to describe how I felt at that moment when my mother broke the news to me. I remembered I started crying, but not from sadness. It was from a mixture of despair, hopelessness, grief, anxiety, fear, worry, and possibly anger. I couldn't take the reality of the situation, I refused to accept it. That evening when I went for my weekly counseling session, I completely lost it in front of my counselor. I was just sobbing and shaking throughout the session. After everything that my father had done, after all the therapies and surgeries he had underwent, the cancer still came back, and it didn't just come back- it had spread to his brain. And the thought that my father might die soon, that he might die before I graduate from school, that he might die before he gets to walk me down the aisle and carry my babies, broke something down in me.

I'm so drained. I'm so worn out by everything that's been going on. Right now, essentially, I've blocked my heart from feeling anymore. I've shut down that part of me that feels. I can't let myself feel anymore, because then I will just be a walking emotional mess. It's not the best or the right coping mechanism, I know, but it's all I can do to hang on from now till Christmas.  Going about life without a heart is a hollow, empty existence, devoid entirely of meaning and emotion. You don't live anymore, you merely exist.

On the orders of my counselor, I've been taking things very slowly nowadays, being gentle with myself and minding myself a lot. I've been trying to do activities that I enjoy, activities that might make me happier. I call them my "Happy Tasks". I have a list here which I will add as I go along. They do give me something to fill the hours, and I do feel somewhat better after doing them, but I know I'm just doing them for the sake of doing them, not because I really want to.

(1) Went out for lunch and a movie with Sara
(2) Shopping in town one Saturday, and I indulged in a day of eatwhateveriwantto
(3) Salthill walk, lunch and shopping with Khalidah
(4) Friday movie in town, and I snuck in falalels and pitta bread and curry cheese fries
(5) Wednesday shopping and dinner with Khalidah
(6) Choc Biscuit Binge: ate as many chocolate biscuits as I wanted to at a go (must have ate almost 20)

I'm still struggling, my journey to recovery has barely begun. I read somewhere on a depression forum that writing about your journey helps, and because I've always loved writing, I've resolved to blog about this in the hopes that it might help me recover faster.

And before I end this, I just want to talk about one last thing. I don't think it's a right thing to do, and I know I shouldn't be doing this, but in a way I've decided that I have to in order to recover faster. I've decided to erase Jr from my life for the time being. Missing him, not hearing from him, is in a way destroying me, and making me down. And the fact is that I don't hear from him much nowadays anymore. I know he is busy, I know he is going through a lot right now, but sometimes I get angry that even though he always says he's sorry for not keeping up like he used to, it seems like he's not even making the effort to try and keep up. I know there are many things beyond his control, that the mail room could be holding his mail and that's why I'm not receiving anything, but I feel like he's not even trying to talk to me as much as before already. I hate that I'm feeling this way, but I can't deny that I am. I feel so unreasonable to want more than he can give, but I hate the feeling that it seems like he doesn't care about me as much anymore, that he's not even bothering putting in the effort to try and sustain our relationship anymore. I love and miss him so much that I hurt, and when I don't hear from him for an extended period of time I start getting paranoid and hurt. And right now, I can't deal with these feelings anymore. So for the time being, I've decided to block Jr's existence out of my life. I'm not erasing our past year together, I'm just burying it for now. We have no relationship at all. If and whenever I do hear from him, great, but if I don't, I won't keep holding out on the hope that I might soon. It's a tiring and frustrating process to wait eagerly for mail and getting your hopes dashed every single day, and I can't deal with that anymore.

It's all about me for now. Just me trying to get back on my own two feet again, and start living again.