I really hope Jr makes parole this year. Smith Unit's parole board designation is the Amarillo Board, and recently I've been hearing a lot of people saying negative things about the Board, how strict they are and how hard it is to get granted parole under them. I know that they recently changed the Board Member, and that prior to that the Board was infamous for not letting people go, but many people are saying that this year, things are different, TDCJ is way too overcrowded, the Board of Pardons and Paroles in Texas has been granting parole to a lot of people. I was very hopeful that things will be different this year, that Mr James LaFavers will be a more lenient soul, but now after reading all those posts I'm genuinely so scared. I'm afraid that the higher I pin my hopes up, the harder I'm gonna fall if things don't turn out the way we had hoped they would be. Jr's very hopeful, he keeps saying that things will be different this time round (he's been denied parole thrice before), but I also know that he's scared, because he'll also add that "everything happens for a reason, we know that babe" and so I know there's a part of him that's as fearful as he is hopeful. But I want him to come home soon, for many of the normal reasons obviously but most of all for this: so that our relationship can progress. So that I can see and talk to him, and know if he is really The One for me. There's something deep in me that's telling me this is it, this is The One, but aside from me nobody else will believe that. And I can understand why- because I've never seen him in person, or hear his voice before. And you need all these, and I believe that as well, and I need them from him ASAP and that's why I need him out ASAP. Our relationship can only go so far through snail mail, there's only so much pen and paper can contribute to a relationship. As it is our relationship is unconventional and borderlines insanity and recklessness, and while it was fun initially, reality is starting to slowly sink in. In order to be with him in 2015, I need to start planning and preparing soon. There's so much I have to take into consideration about moving to USA; I wish it was so easy and simple for me to just pick up and leave for USA, but it's not, I have to think about my family, the USMLEs and my career as a doctor there, how am I going to adjust to a completely new country and culture. All the little itsy bitsy details. The anticipation of what's to come, the hope that there will be better days ahead, and the love that I have for Jr are all of what's really keeping me moving in this direction. I would be lying if I say that I'm not afraid, because I am. There's SO MUCH I have to be fearful about, all the "what ifs". But I can't torture myself with them, because every time I think about what could potentially go wrong, all I want to do is to just give up. To just let Jr go.

But I can't, and I won't. Because I truly, genuinely, from the bottommost depths of my heart, love this man. I don't know why, and I can't even give you conclusive explanations for why I'm so madly in love with him; I just know that I do. Sometimes even I think I'm crazy. All this between us, Jr says all this was "meant to be". And I believe that, because there were so many things that just fell so neatly into place one after the other for us to meet, it's like coincidence dominoes. Maybe that's how fate works.

Whenever I'm hormonal or emotional or don't get a letter from him when I expect to, I start to doubt his love for me and worry and get all insecure and think that he's let me go and given up on us. Stupid right. It's like I can't accept the fact that his love for me is true, that it's genuine, that someone who's not my family will love me for the overemotional, insecure, needy, drama mama bitch that I am. I can't believe that at all, and I don't dare to raise these fears to him because in case he's really being genuine, he'll get hurt that I doubt him. I know I should, we are in a relationship after all and these things need to be talked about. And maybe I will soon, but it's so hard to talk about these things over letters. Especially when it takes three weeks to get a response (if I'm lucky and he writes on schedule and the mail system doesn't do something fucked up like delay or lose our mails). I just want to be able to talk about these things to him face-to-face, even if it's over a computer screen.

And that's why I say: I really hope Jr makes parole this year.

Labels: amarillo board, mr lafavers please be kind to my babyboy, texas parole

Hello, I'm Mylene.

I love God, my family, my close friends, chocolate, Nutella, Nugatti, yam paste, Nonya kueh, baking, desserts, crunchy peanut butter, trying out new food places, books, travelling, airplane food, snail mail, vintage anything, medicine, wearing blood-red clothes, The Desiderata, stickers, hearts, making cards and origami, watching comedies, reading mystery/detective novels, playing mystery/detective games, mocha, yoghurt with fruits and muesli, dogs, quirky bags, soft & fluffy towels, pretty lingerie, Christmas, heels I cannot walk in, polka dots, smiles.

I try not to hate on anyone or anything because it's a waste of my time and energy. If I don't like it, I'll either try to change it or just ignore it.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, and be the best person that I can be.