On my way home from town today, a guy asked me for my number. I was walking behind him and his friend, my earphones plugged in and jamming to Train's "Drive By", when I noticed that he was turning his head back over and over again and looking at me. I pretended not to notice at first, but then it became too obvious, so when I caught his eye the next time he turned his head around, I gave him a polite smile. He smiled back and asked, "How do you do?" Or at least that's what I think he asked, Pat Monahan was bawling "OH I SWEAR TO YOU, I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU" into my ears. I yanked out one of my earphones, and said, "I'm good, how are you?" He said he was good, and then asked me if I was from Galway. I said no, so he asked what I was doing here and where I lived. I replied that I was a student at NUIG, and that I lived near school. He nodded, and then turned to me and said, "You're a good-looking woman, I think you are good-looking." I was momentarily stunned, and I didn't know how to respond, so I just said, "Thank you, that's really nice of you to say that." He then asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I said no (something I'll elaborate on later), and he asked why not, why doesn't a "lovely girl" like me have a boyfriend. How do you answer a question like that?? Obviously no guy wants me, duh! So I said that to him (leaving out the duh part), and he went silent for a moment, and then suddenly went on and on about how looks don't matter in a relationship, it's all about the personality. I agreed with him, naturally, and I said so. And then he asked me for my number, and if I wanted to go out sometime with him.

You can imagine my utter shock when that happened, and my subsequent loss of spontaneous conscious thinking. I remember I just kept saying, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know". He kept asking "Why not" and I just went "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know" over and over again. Finally I said that I was not looking for a relationship now, and he went, "Just as friends, we'll go out just as friends, how about that?" And lol, I don't know why I said this, but I went, "Yes, we can be friends." By then we reached the university entrance, and his friend gestured at him to walk in that direction, so he said, "We'll go out, yeah? Where can I find you?" And I just replied, "I'll be around school.", even though I'm hardly on campus.

No matter what that guy said, I am NOT a good-looking woman, not by conventional standards, anyway. I know I am not butt ugly, but I am certainly not pretty or anything. So in reality, the occurrence of such instances to yours truly are at the frequency of the appearance of a blue moon. In other words, I have hardly any experience in dealing with situations like these at all. I didn't know what to say or do. I was flattered, yes- it's a nice little ego boost when someone thinks you're good-looking and actually comes up to you and tells you that- but my lack of experience in dealing with such matters is not what's troubling me. It's the fact that when he asked if I had a boyfriend, I thought of Jr and decided to say no. 

I'm wrecked with so much guilt right now. Usually when people ask me if I have a boyfriend, I always say no because I don't want to have to deal with people's reactions on where my boyfriend is and how our relationship came about and how we're dating now. But that's to my family and friends, this is a STRANGER. I didn't owe it to him to have to explain myself and my relationship. So why did I lie? Was it out of habit? Or the fact that sometimes, I do not feel like I have a boyfriend, or that Jr exists at all? I know Jr is incredibly busy right now with IPTC and unable to write me as much as he would like to, so I don't get mail from him as often, and that doesn't help matters. Jr's busy with REHAB, I'm supposed to be encouraging and motivating him, not feeling hurt about not getting as many letters from him as before. Sometimes I can't help but unconsciously compare Jr's presence in my life as a boyfriend to the boyfriends of my friends, but then I instantly feel AWFUL for thinking this way. It's not like Jr doesn't want to be in my life- it's just that right now, he can't be. I knew that when I chose to be with him, so why am I childishly comparing right now? I don't know what's wrong with me, or why I've suddenly come to expect more of our relationship than what it can offer right now. I don't blame Jr for anything, but I don't know why I've suddenly come to crave more than what he can give me. 

I just feel so guilty right now. 

Also, I know that some of you might think that the reason I said no was because I liked the attention and just wanted to lead the guy on, but that was not the reason at all. I know because the ONLY thought that came to my mind when he asked that was, "I don't want to deal with any questions on my boyfriend.". Which leads me on to more problematic questions: Why do I really not want to deal with these questions? Am I ashamed of my boyfriend? Why would I rather deny his existence than to have to stand up and tell people that our relationship is right? 

The answer is: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. 

I'm so confused right now, and drowning in guilt and shame.

Hello, I'm Mylene.

I love God, my family, my close friends, chocolate, Nutella, Nugatti, yam paste, Nonya kueh, baking, desserts, crunchy peanut butter, trying out new food places, books, travelling, airplane food, snail mail, vintage anything, medicine, wearing blood-red clothes, The Desiderata, stickers, hearts, making cards and origami, watching comedies, reading mystery/detective novels, playing mystery/detective games, mocha, yoghurt with fruits and muesli, dogs, quirky bags, soft & fluffy towels, pretty lingerie, Christmas, heels I cannot walk in, polka dots, smiles.

I try not to hate on anyone or anything because it's a waste of my time and energy. If I don't like it, I'll either try to change it or just ignore it.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, and be the best person that I can be.