I'm flying home. My dad fell down on Tuesday, and his condition has been rapidly deteriorating ever since. He's now paralysed, and the doctor doesn't give him much longer to live. My mother's always shielded me from the severity of my father's condition ever since he first got diagnosed with cancer, but today she just told me to come home as soon as possible, within the next 2 days if possible.

I think I'm still in shock, because none of this has really sunk in yet. I've been preparing myself for this for over 2 years now, ever since my dad first got diagnosed with cancer. I've been preparing myself for this for the past 6 months or so, ever since the doctor told him that his cancer is back and will only get worse. I've been preparing myself for this ever since last November when the tumour took his brain and my father lost almost all of who he was. And yet, I sit here today, still in shock, disbelief, and rage at how cruel and unfair this entire situation is. My dad doesn't deserve to go. He doesn't deserve to die so soon. He's barely 52, that's when most people start to reap and enjoy the fruits of their life labour. My dad's worked so hard all his life, and for what. He can never enjoy his fortune, and neither will the rest of us.

Sometimes all I want is to wake up from this nightmare. I want to open my eyes and see my daddy standing in front of me, talking to me like before. I want my old daddy back. I want the daddy that I grew up with, the one who gave me so many good memories, the one who shaped a large part of who I am today. I miss my father so much. And knowing that I will never get him back in this lifetime is a reality I still struggle so hard to accept. His cancer took him away from me so swiftly that I never got the chance to say goodbye. He went to bed one night as himself and woke up the next morning demented, and I never got my old daddy back ever since. I just want him back so much. I just want one day with my old daddy back.

It's too late for regrets now. Too late for all that "I wish I had treasured him more back then" and "You never know what you have until it's gone" crap. Now the only thing to do is to spend as much time with my father as possible, and enjoy whatever last moments I have left with him.

I love my Care of the Elderly rotation! First of all I'm with a VERY good-looking consultant, Quinn, who looks like a cross between Kevin Bacon and William Dafoe, except that he's much younger looking and wayyy hotter. So I get eye candy everyday at the hospital :) Quinn's the most thorough, personal, and hardworking consultant I've seen so far, plus he doesn't make you feel like an idiot, so I've really enjoyed this rotation a lot. And I've also been a WEE bit more hardworking, so I actually do understand what is going on sometimes, so I enjoy this rotation more. I hardly studied at all during my GI rotation, except for that last week when we had the test on Wednesday morning, so I was mostly just following the consultants around blindly, and felt stupid most of the time. But I've vowed to be more hardworking this rotation, and I've been catching up as much as I can afford the time to, so *pats self on back*

I had a VERY good day today. Like maybe the best day of my hospital rotations so far. It started off like any other day, with me waking up and dreading the long day ahead. There was Journal Club at 8am, and I knew that my day would end late because I had to clerk and present a patient (both history and examination) for a tutorial with Quinn tomorrow. So I woke up, and was getting dressed when I realized just how horrid-looking my eyebrows were. The last time I got my eyebrows done was 4 weeks ago, so now they were bushy and unkempt and growing all over the place. And I absolutely HATE untidy eyebrows, and it irks me really bad when my eyebrows aren't in shape. But the beautician who does my eyebrows is away for St Pat's weekend, so there was nothing I could do about it. So, Journal Club at 8, and then Ward Rounds. And halfway through Ward Rounds I was like, my eyebrows are really getting to me, I can't live another day with these caterpillars sitting above my eyes. And on a whim I decided to just call up a beauty parlour that was close to my house and see if anyone was available to do my eyebrows, and there was an appointment slot at 3.30pm, so I decided to just take that. And now I had a new problem: I was supposed to have a clinic with Quinn from 2pm till 5pm. Should I just go for it at 2, then bluff and say that I had a doctor's appointment at 3.30pm and leave? I was contemplating what to do during the rest of Ward Rounds, and then lo and behold! The intern that was on the team, Emma, asked if I would like to do MMSEs with her, and take bloods. And of course I said yes! I'd rather do them than sit in the clinic with Quinn! And I also saw my perfect opportunity there on how I can skip clinic with a "valid" reason. So I did 2 MMSEs (fucked the first one up though :-/) and charted them in the patients' records, and then I took bloods from a patient. It was my first time taking bloods, and I had no idea what to do. I remember I couldn't really see her vein, and in my mind I was going, "Oh my god I have no fucking clue what to do where the fuck is her vein why the fuck isn't it more prominent what the fuck am I doing omgomgomg AAARRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!" And I just stabbed at it, praying for a flashback, and YAY I GOT A FLASHBACK!!!! I was like, thank fuck, lol. And after that I told Emma I had to leave for my 'doctor's appointment'. That was around 2.30pm, so I grabbed a quick lunch at the canteen, went to town and did a mad dash of shopping for some stuffs that I urgently needed: eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, lip balm, and St Pat's and Easter cards. And then I had my eyebrow appointment, and then I went back to the hospital to talk to Rose, the patient I was supposed to clerk. And I talked to her for a long time, because she was such a doll to talk to. I interrupted her during her visiting session with her niece, who was painting her nails for her, and I took such a long time with her that her niece left before I was done. And I felt so bad about that. So when I finished clerking her and saw her unfinished manicure, on a whim I decided to ask her if she wanted me to finish her nails for her, and Rose was like, "oh no, I don't want to take up your valuable time!", but I'd already decided to finish them for her. So I spent 15 minutes painting my patient's nails for her, and I felt good about doing that for her, because I could see how delighted she was at having her manicure completed. I finished around 6.15pm, went home, and made burgers for dinner, together with some leftover rosemary & garlic chicken that I'd made for our dinner a few nights ago. So when I look back on today, I feel incredibly good at how productive my day has been, and how much I've accomplished today. All in a day's work :) with beautiful eyebrows to boot :)

So, long day! I can't wait for this weekend to come, it's St Patrick's weekend and we've got Monday off :))) I love long weekends. I'm really looking forward to being able to just lazing in bed till late, and not having to get up at the crack of dawn. I haven't got much planned for the weekend, just maybe doing as much chilling as possible. And maybe a bit of studying too, if my brain permits, lol.

Okay, ta ta, off to shower now!

SO. FUCKING.TIRED. Every single day is just so packed with so many activities that by the time I get home in the evening I'm exhausted and I don't want to do anything except lie in bed like a rock and just not move a single muscle. My brain automatically shuts down when I step through the front door, and I literally make a beeline for my bed and just flop myself on it. And I've barely begun my career, this is just the start and I'm already having trouble balancing everything.

Balancing my life is proving to be very difficult, and I know I've let a lot of people down. I barely have time even for myself, let alone people who aren't physically here with me. I don't spend as much time Skyping my mother now, or texting her as often, and I know she's very unhappy with me about that. I hardly write to Anthony now and I know he's hurt and angry at me for neglecting him. I don't text Alona as much as I used to, and I know she's somewhat not happy with that too. And the truth is, it's really all my fault. You see, I spend so much of my days at the hospital that by the time I get home in the evening, the only thing I want to do (aside from sleep) is to spend time with Ginger. And I also make dinner for us on most days, I don't let him do it because he's not the best chef (lol), and also because he's a terribly slow one too. And then I still try and squeeze in an hour or so of studying on most nights, either reading up on a particular topic, or preparing for a tutorial the next day, or sometimes reviewing patients' histories for case reports and presentations. And so on weekends I just want to sleep in and lay in bed till late, and spend all my time with Ginger. But having to Skype my mother for HOURS gets to me, because all that's on my mind is going back to Ginger, not to listen to my mom go on about some random thing that just happened that I don't know and don't care for. But I can't do anything about that, and more often than not my impatience starts showing on my face, and then my mom starts getting angry at me and demanding to know why I can't even take a few hours a week to talk to her.

This is all my problem. It's a problem with my attitude, and I hate that I'm feeling this way. I know I'm in the wrong, but no matter how hard I try I can't stop myself from feeling this way. I don't know what to do.

Homemade taco fries! :) Ginger and I thought we'd try making our favorite takeaway fries, and it turned out a huge success! It was so yummy, way better than all the taco fries we've had so far. Ginger peeled and sliced the potatoes, and then deep-fried them, while I made the taco beef. Except that there wasn't any taco seasoning mix at Centra, so I substituted with Chilli Con Carne seasoning instead. And I put in kidney beans, diced tomatoes, and diced peppers to make our taco fries healthier. And then it's just liberally sprinkling the whole thing with grated cheddar cheese and putting it in the oven for about 3 minutes to melt the cheese, and then topping it with sour cream. We're never ordering takeaway taco fries ever!

Happy Sunday morning!  One more day and Ginger's back, yayyyyy :)

I've had a somewhat productive weekend. I bought TWO beautiful vintage dresses on Friday from this shop in town called The White Rabbit, and I love them sooooo much. They were pricey, one dress was 25 euros and the other was 40, but they were so beautiful and of great quality, so it was pretty worth it. I only had 60 euros on me, and the shop didn't accept cards, so the lady was generous enough to give me that 5 euro discount. Haha, cheap thrill lol. I did groceries yesterday afternoon. And I finally went and exchanged my black heels from a Size 6 to 5. That little 'errand' has been nagging at me for quite a while, but I never got the chance to go and do it, so now that I finally did it feels pretty good lol. I did like, 2 loads of laundry yesterday, and spent the night ironing clothes and cleaning up Ginger's room. I don't know what's gotten into me, but recently I've morphed into a cleaning freak. It's bordering an obsession. I clean all the time. I can't stand the sight of dirt and mess, and when I see them I get this itch to just clean that damn thing up. I find cleaning therapeutic, it makes me feel good to see the place spick and span and know that I did it, so I guess that's why I'm 'addicted' to cleaning- I love that new clean high. I'm so strange, I scare myself, honestly.

So what do we have for today? Hmm, I've got a load of Ginger's clothes in the washing machine right now, and when they're done I'm going to iron them. I need to clean and tidy up my room. Oddie got bitten by the cleaning bug yesterday and he vacuumed the house, mopped it, and then cleaned the kitchen, so I don't have to clean the kitchen this week. He very rarely cleans the house, mind you, so when he does everybody just shuts up and lets him do it, because God knows how long it will be before he lifts up a finger and helps around the house again. I haven't studied all weekend, so I think I'll study a bit as well. I need to, lol, I haven't been studying at all. And if it wasn't for that GI test, I wouldn't have studied GI too.

Alright, it's 8.41am now, and I've got tons to do today! I've already put in a load of laundry, taken my breakfast, Skyped my mom, and now I'm going off to play Runescape for awhile (sudden itch to play, dunno why lol), then do the rest of my chores. Byyyeeeeeeee!

I didn't go to the hospital today; my consultant isn't in so I decided not to go as well. The rotation is ending, and I don't feel like I can learn anything from it anymore. Well, technically that's not true, but given my current mind frame I honestly think it'll just be a waste of time if I go in. I had the GI test yesterday (which the tutor gives at the end of the rotation to make sure that we know our stuffs) and apparently I did very well for it! :))) My tutor said that I was like the dark horse of the group, she didn't expect me "to have such an excellent paper", but I did. Which surprised me as well, because I remembered that I didn't know how to do some bits and I was just crapping my way through it. She also said that my case report was wonderful :) haha. So yay! I'm so relieved, and just really happy that this rotation is over. I can't wait to start the next one, which is Care of the Elderly. Doesn't sound fun, but apparently the days are shorter (like 8am to 2pm or something), so I'm really looking forward to that.

Ginger left this morning to go home for the weekend. He won't be back till Monday :(  4 days all alone. I already miss him, but I know that if I keep my days occupied, they'll pass faster and before I know it he'll be back again. Him being away is actually good for me, because when he's around I don't get many things done, and I also don't get much sleep. The productivity part is my fault, because I just want to spend every single possible moment when I'm home with him. I'm at the hospital a lot during the weekdays, so all I want to do when I get home is spend those last few hours of the day with him. The sleep part, however, is ENTIRELY his fault. Every time I close my eyes to sleep, he whines and wakes me up and tells me not to go to sleep. I've been averaging no more than 6 hours sleep every night since the start of February; most weekday nights I get only about 4 hours of sleep. And for someone with a strict sleeping schedule of at least 7 hours a night, this chronic lack of sleep is starting to show on my skin, appetite, and my ability to concentrate. So I'm using this weekend to recharge, sleep sufficiently, take care of my skin and body, and actually get some things settled. Errands to run, things to buy, school work to do- all of which I've been putting off long enough. This weekend is all about ME, and catching up on work and sleep and getting my stuffs straight, before Ginger comes back on Monday. And then I also have to clean both our rooms, wash his bed sheets and clothes and iron them. And I may also clean the kitchen, depending on how hardworking I feel on Sunday, lol.

Okay, off for a nap now :)

So I talked to my mom, and explained everything to her. Why I am the way I am on Skype, how I feel. Why I can't afford to spend as much time talking to her as before. I told her everything, and guess what? She said she understood, which I was very surprised at! She said that she understood how busy my schedule is now, and to just make some time to talk to her and my dad so that they both know I'm okay and won't worry. I feel so relieved after hearing that. I shouldn't have kept all this frustration and irritation build up in me for so long, I should have just told her how I feel and talked things out with her right from the beginning. Now everything's cleared up, and we both know where each other is coming from. Communication and honesty really is key to any relationship.

Hello, I'm Mylene.

I love God, my family, my close friends, chocolate, Nutella, Nugatti, yam paste, Nonya kueh, baking, desserts, crunchy peanut butter, trying out new food places, books, travelling, airplane food, snail mail, vintage anything, medicine, wearing blood-red clothes, The Desiderata, stickers, hearts, making cards and origami, watching comedies, reading mystery/detective novels, playing mystery/detective games, mocha, yoghurt with fruits and muesli, dogs, quirky bags, soft & fluffy towels, pretty lingerie, Christmas, heels I cannot walk in, polka dots, smiles.

I try not to hate on anyone or anything because it's a waste of my time and energy. If I don't like it, I'll either try to change it or just ignore it.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, and be the best person that I can be.