I didn't go to the hospital today; my consultant isn't in so I decided not to go as well. The rotation is ending, and I don't feel like I can learn anything from it anymore. Well, technically that's not true, but given my current mind frame I honestly think it'll just be a waste of time if I go in. I had the GI test yesterday (which the tutor gives at the end of the rotation to make sure that we know our stuffs) and apparently I did very well for it! :))) My tutor said that I was like the dark horse of the group, she didn't expect me "to have such an excellent paper", but I did. Which surprised me as well, because I remembered that I didn't know how to do some bits and I was just crapping my way through it. She also said that my case report was wonderful :) haha. So yay! I'm so relieved, and just really happy that this rotation is over. I can't wait to start the next one, which is Care of the Elderly. Doesn't sound fun, but apparently the days are shorter (like 8am to 2pm or something), so I'm really looking forward to that.

Ginger left this morning to go home for the weekend. He won't be back till Monday :(  4 days all alone. I already miss him, but I know that if I keep my days occupied, they'll pass faster and before I know it he'll be back again. Him being away is actually good for me, because when he's around I don't get many things done, and I also don't get much sleep. The productivity part is my fault, because I just want to spend every single possible moment when I'm home with him. I'm at the hospital a lot during the weekdays, so all I want to do when I get home is spend those last few hours of the day with him. The sleep part, however, is ENTIRELY his fault. Every time I close my eyes to sleep, he whines and wakes me up and tells me not to go to sleep. I've been averaging no more than 6 hours sleep every night since the start of February; most weekday nights I get only about 4 hours of sleep. And for someone with a strict sleeping schedule of at least 7 hours a night, this chronic lack of sleep is starting to show on my skin, appetite, and my ability to concentrate. So I'm using this weekend to recharge, sleep sufficiently, take care of my skin and body, and actually get some things settled. Errands to run, things to buy, school work to do- all of which I've been putting off long enough. This weekend is all about ME, and catching up on work and sleep and getting my stuffs straight, before Ginger comes back on Monday. And then I also have to clean both our rooms, wash his bed sheets and clothes and iron them. And I may also clean the kitchen, depending on how hardworking I feel on Sunday, lol.

Okay, off for a nap now :)

So I talked to my mom, and explained everything to her. Why I am the way I am on Skype, how I feel. Why I can't afford to spend as much time talking to her as before. I told her everything, and guess what? She said she understood, which I was very surprised at! She said that she understood how busy my schedule is now, and to just make some time to talk to her and my dad so that they both know I'm okay and won't worry. I feel so relieved after hearing that. I shouldn't have kept all this frustration and irritation build up in me for so long, I should have just told her how I feel and talked things out with her right from the beginning. Now everything's cleared up, and we both know where each other is coming from. Communication and honesty really is key to any relationship.

Almost done with the GI rotation, just one more week left. This rotation flew by quick as hell! And Caroline's gonna give us a GI test on Wednesday, so this weekend is a study weekend :( And I have my case report to do, and a case presentation to submit, this sure is one hell of a busy weekend bleh.

Life's been okay so far. My weekdays are pretty routine, in fact. I usually wake up around 7.30am, and spend the day at the hospital; I come home in the late afternoon (usually 4/5-ish) and spend the rest of the day with Ginger. Sometimes I try to squeeze in an hour or so of studying at night before I shower, but usually I hardly study on weekdays. In fact nowadays I hardly study at all :-/ Thankfully I don't have exams till end May, but I really need to start studying back up again. I spend weekends just lazing about with Ginger, watching TV and movies, eating takeaways. We go grocery shopping on Saturday afternoons, and we spend Sunday mornings cleaning up the house. My daily life really is mundane, but it's amazing how lovely it can be simply because I get to spend it with someone special.

I've been eating a lot too. This is really random, but my appetite (or rather, its seeming abundance) has been troubling me a lot. I feel hungry all the time, even after I've just had a meal. I literally force myself to not eat. Sometimes I think it's lucky that Ginger is a small eater and therefore I'm conscious of how much I eat when I'm around him; if he'd been a massive eater I'd probably be chowing down mountains of food alongside him too. I try to walk more while I'm in the hospital, you know, to burn more calories. The long hours at the hospital drains me and by the time I get home all I want to do is just lie in bed and snuggle up next to Ginger. So I use things like ward rounds to "work out", lol. I try to stand as much as I can too, and use the stairs all the time. But all these doesn't stop my appetite from increasing, and while I still have it very much under control right now, I'm afraid that one day I'll just tire of fighting it and lose control and be a repeat of what I was in 2011 and 2012. I know it's because my period was coming back about 2 weeks ago, and then I got my birth control shot, and the shot makes you feel hungry all the time (due to the increased progesterone levels in your body) and that's why weight gain is the commonest complaint of women who get the shot. But I can't gain weight, I'm fat enough as it is, I can't afford to put on 11 pounds (the average weight gained by these women). So I've been trying to really monitor my food intake, and whenever I can, just move about that wee bit more.

I pissed my mom off today on Skype. I basically had to cut short our conversation because of what I did to Ginger's bedsheets (I think you can kinda guess what happened :-/) It's a long story anyhow, but I really don't know what to do anymore about this annoyed feeling that I always get when I talk to my mother. I hate myself for feeling this way, I honestly do. I don't get to talk to her much anymore and weekends are the only time I get to speak to her and see my dad, so really I should be spending as much time as I can talking to her. But weekends are the only time I get to do other stuffs like wake up late, go out to town, clean the house etc., and it's irritating having to shift my schedule around just so that I can talk to her. Mind you, these are not 15 minute conversations we're talking about, it's more like hour-long convos. Like just now, I'd spoken to her for 56 mins before I had to go, but even then she was majorly pissed at me for cutting short our conversation. I can't spend hours talking to her, I have things to do. And understandably she doesn't see that, because she's not here, and also, how can I tell her, "Sorry, I have to go and spend time with my boyfriend". I'll never tell my mother about Ginger, not at least until quite some time have passed. As lovely and wonderful as my mother is, she's also a very paranoid and judgmental person, with quite a closed mindset steeped in old world tradition and old wives' tales. Telling her about Ginger is akin to giving her a heart attack, literally, and she's definitely going to question me and give me hell about it. And I'm not ready to answer her questions yet.

Okay, case report and presentation time! I think I'll just study tomorrow. I actually planned to study today, but it's almost 5pm and I really want to go back to Ginger.

I know I'll sound like an ungrateful, rude, and overall horrible daughter when I say this, but I'll just go ahead and say it: I highly dislike talking to my mother on Skype these days.

Don't get me wrong, I want to talk to her. And because of my long hours at the hospital during the week, I barely get to talk to her nowadays, except on weekends. I do miss her a lot. But every time we talk, I start to get annoyed and can't wait for the conversation to be over. She updates me about my dad's condition, which I do want to know about, that her rheumatoid arthritis is flaring up, how my siblings are doing. But those are really all I want to know about. I don't care to know that my relatives are being a nuisance, I don't care to know that  so-and-so wants to visit and that she doesn't want them to, and I certainly don't care to know that Aunty XX baked an orange cake for her or some shit. I hate that I think and feel this way, but it seems like every time we talk, she makes it a necessity to update me about every single damn thing. And while I really appreciate the intention between that, I can't help but get annoyed as she prattles on on yet another random everyday trivia. And when she complains, it makes me irritated because (1) here she goes complaining about something again, and (2) I can't do anything to help her and make the situation better. And I don't want to cut her short, because I know she needs this outlet to vent. But I find myself starting to busy myself and make excuses for not being able to Skype her.

I feel bad for feeling this way, but I can't help it. I have my own set of problems that I'm struggling with, and sometimes it feels overwhelming when she unloads hers on me too. I know she's just venting, but it cripples me that she's going through so much and yet there is NOTHING I can do right now that will make her problems go away and let her feel better. So the only thing I can do is let her vent to me. But it's starting to reach the point where I get sick of listening to her as she just goes on about the same issues over and over again, and yet I can't tell her to shut up. And also, when she asks me questions about the most mundane parts of my life ("Do you exercise these days? Do you have a locker in the hospital? Are you with Sarah or Geraldine now (in the same rotation)? Do you see them in hospital?"), and when she nags at me ("If it's raining, wear your shoes, then change them to flats in the hospital./Remember to study!/Remember to eat!")- I start getting VERY irritated, and just want to press the "End Call" sign.

What the hell is wrong with me.

Hello, I'm Mylene.

I love God, my family, my close friends, chocolate, Nutella, Nugatti, yam paste, Nonya kueh, baking, desserts, crunchy peanut butter, trying out new food places, books, travelling, airplane food, snail mail, vintage anything, medicine, wearing blood-red clothes, The Desiderata, stickers, hearts, making cards and origami, watching comedies, reading mystery/detective novels, playing mystery/detective games, mocha, yoghurt with fruits and muesli, dogs, quirky bags, soft & fluffy towels, pretty lingerie, Christmas, heels I cannot walk in, polka dots, smiles.

I try not to hate on anyone or anything because it's a waste of my time and energy. If I don't like it, I'll either try to change it or just ignore it.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, and be the best person that I can be.