ME
But anyway, like I said, I haven't been doing much. Aunty Christina came over on Tuesday and taught me how to make purple sweet potato mantous and also the choux pastry used to make cream puffs and eclairs. And today I made the mantous for my family to eat :) I think I didn't mix the dough enough, because my mantous came out with a kinda mottled color, lol. But they're still tasty :) so whatever, haha.
Jr's doing somewhat alright, he should be getting (or have already gotten) his parole answer soon, and I really hope and pray we get a good result! I want him out ASAP, being in there is NOT doing his health any good. But I think I'll have a lot more to worry about whenever he gets out. I worry so much about him, it's insane, I'm going to make him check in with me regularly once he's out to make sure he's safe and not in any trouble haha. I miss him a lot, I miss him all the time everyday, but I know that everyday that passes is one day closer to the day we're finally together. So I'm trying to really live the last few months of my life as a "single", before Jr comes out and I'll have to devote my time to him already. LOL, and by "single" I mean doing things that I like at my own time, spending time with my family and friends, not having to check in with anybody; in no way do I mean living the single life, partying and hooking up with guys! I'm fully committed to Jr already, I think I have been ever since he wrote his first letter to me.
As crazy as this may sound, I knew he was someone special from the first letter I got from him. Something just clicked within me, and then over the next few months I just started falling deeper and deeper in love with him. To someone who hasn't been through something like this before, it is VERY hard to comprehend just how you know you can love and fall in love with someone just via mail. It's utterly absurd to the 21st century mind, that you can court via snail mail; people just don't believe it's possible. With instant communication technology available at our hands and couples being able to communicate with each other all the time and almost instantly, it's very hard for people to take a courtship where you hear from each other at best once a week, and at worst, fortnightly. It's just incomprehensible, and I don't blame them at all. But I'm just tired of having to deal with the negativity, the disbelief, the skepticism that is constantly being thrown my way. I know I have to stay strong but it's not as easy as it seems.
One of the worst things about this whole situation is the inability to come clean with my family, the inability to tell them all of what is happening to me. I grew up being very close to my family and they practically know almost everything about me. But now, having to hide what is perhaps the largest part of my being is slowly killing me. This is supposed to be a piece of happy news but the circumstances under which all this occurred has made it entirely impossible for me to tell my parents the truth and expect their understanding and blessings of us. Recent talks with my mother have only served to reaffirm my fears. Like any parents out there, mine just want the best for me. They want me to live the best life that can possibly come my way. And where marriage is concerned, they hope that I'll marry the best available catch out there. My mother's always told me and my sister: He doesn't have to be rich, but he must be hardworking and in a good professional job, and able to earn a good living to support the both of you. And because no one they know has ever deviated from this 'path', they cannot see me walking any other paths as well. They always joke about my wedding, what it'll be like; they talk about it like it's the same as most of my other cousins and relatives. They talk about bringing him back to Melaka to see my relatives and cousins. And inside I don't know to break it to them that there's a chance Jr may never be able to leave USA, and even if he can, it'll be only after 2017, when he gets off parole.
This blog is really getting to be all about Jr, huh? Haha, I can't help it, he consumes almost all my thoughts. I can only take all this one step at a time. I really have no clue what to do now, or how to proceed in all this, only time will tell. I just really ask for God's favor in all this.
It was such a HUGE surprise, I wasn't expecting it. See, I was SUPPOSED to get one in mid July, but then apparently my father misread the phone contract expiry date, it ends only in mid July 2013. So I was crushed, and all ready to not have an iPhone this year, when my brother told me that his phone contract was expiring, and he didn't need a new phone anyway, so he'll give his 'free' phone to me! :D:D:D Ended up paying almost 500 bucks for it though :/ But I'm so happy right now, I can't believe my luck! I have to thank my father and brother for this lucky event though, hehehe XD
You can always say that I can give up. Then I wouldn't be suffering the way I am now. It's easy for me to just give it all up, to forget about a guy whom I've never met or talked to before. To just stop writing to him and disappear, and he has no way of finding me. And many times I wonder what would happen if I just walk away from him. I'm not going to lie, there have been times when it just gets too much for me, when the loneliness and the thought of all the obstacles that stand in between us just gets too much for me to bear, and I feel like giving up and just walking away from him. Sometimes I think I can't take it anymore, I feel like just breaking down and giving it all up. And then what? I'd lose the love of my life. I don't think anybody can fathom the depth of the feelings that I have for him. It's crazy, and even I think I'm crazy, but I've never held feelings for anyone before like I do for him. There's something far beyond my understanding, something almost extrasensory, something borne from the very deepest depths of my heart, that tells me that all this is right. Everything just fell into place for us to meet, and the circumstances were all just too right for it to just have been a coincidence.
They say falling in love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting that he/she won't ever use it. But when you love someone so deeply and intensely, in that tiny corner of your heart, there will always exist the fear that someday the other person will just walk away from you and leave you with nothing but your broken heart. I don't care about that person who said that it isn't true love if that insecurity exists- it must have been a guy who said that, because all women WILL always fear. They trust that it won't happen, they hope that it won't happen, they believe that like it won't happen. But that doesn't mean that they don't (in however tiny a bit) fear that someday it might happen, for whatever reasons. Maybe it's the same for men too, but I won't speak for them, because I'm not one.
No matter how many times he placates me, I always fear that one day, Jr will leave me. It doesn't matter what and how many times he says it, there still exists that part of me that fears that he'll give up on and walk away from us. I tell myself that it'll be his loss if that ever happens, but it's not so easy, it's not so simple. I love him too deeply to just brush him aside, to just forget about us.
If one day he REALLY does leave me, will I ever regret loving him? Will I ever regret us? The answer is NO, I won't. You can't regret something that you once wanted very much with all your heart. Of course I want everything to work out between us; after everything that we've been through together, I really hope and pray that it does. But this is life, and like everything (relationships or otherwise) in life, anything can happen. If things really don't work out between us, I won't ever regret doing all this, because for that once in my life, I fell in love with an amazing, wonderful guy who loved me back for who I am, who I can be real with, who's taught me so much about life and opened up my eyes to so many things. Jr changed me, he's the reason I've grown, matured, and am finally ready to be an adult.
Like that famous dog philosophy, "Chase what excites you, even if you don't always get it in the end".
<♥>
Hello, my name is Mylene.
Screams
Monday, June 25, 2012
I haven't really been doing much since I last updated this blog. And speaking of this blog, I just noticed that I've got some VERY nice readers, who leave such lovely comments on my tag box. I actually have no clue who you people are, or if you are even real people (no offense, but someone told me he's gotten loads of automated spam comments on his tag box on his blog, so I can't be sure), but whatever it is, the comments are pretty sweet, so THANK YOU, to whoever you girls are :)But anyway, like I said, I haven't been doing much. Aunty Christina came over on Tuesday and taught me how to make purple sweet potato mantous and also the choux pastry used to make cream puffs and eclairs. And today I made the mantous for my family to eat :) I think I didn't mix the dough enough, because my mantous came out with a kinda mottled color, lol. But they're still tasty :) so whatever, haha.
Jr's doing somewhat alright, he should be getting (or have already gotten) his parole answer soon, and I really hope and pray we get a good result! I want him out ASAP, being in there is NOT doing his health any good. But I think I'll have a lot more to worry about whenever he gets out. I worry so much about him, it's insane, I'm going to make him check in with me regularly once he's out to make sure he's safe and not in any trouble haha. I miss him a lot, I miss him all the time everyday, but I know that everyday that passes is one day closer to the day we're finally together. So I'm trying to really live the last few months of my life as a "single", before Jr comes out and I'll have to devote my time to him already. LOL, and by "single" I mean doing things that I like at my own time, spending time with my family and friends, not having to check in with anybody; in no way do I mean living the single life, partying and hooking up with guys! I'm fully committed to Jr already, I think I have been ever since he wrote his first letter to me.
As crazy as this may sound, I knew he was someone special from the first letter I got from him. Something just clicked within me, and then over the next few months I just started falling deeper and deeper in love with him. To someone who hasn't been through something like this before, it is VERY hard to comprehend just how you know you can love and fall in love with someone just via mail. It's utterly absurd to the 21st century mind, that you can court via snail mail; people just don't believe it's possible. With instant communication technology available at our hands and couples being able to communicate with each other all the time and almost instantly, it's very hard for people to take a courtship where you hear from each other at best once a week, and at worst, fortnightly. It's just incomprehensible, and I don't blame them at all. But I'm just tired of having to deal with the negativity, the disbelief, the skepticism that is constantly being thrown my way. I know I have to stay strong but it's not as easy as it seems.
One of the worst things about this whole situation is the inability to come clean with my family, the inability to tell them all of what is happening to me. I grew up being very close to my family and they practically know almost everything about me. But now, having to hide what is perhaps the largest part of my being is slowly killing me. This is supposed to be a piece of happy news but the circumstances under which all this occurred has made it entirely impossible for me to tell my parents the truth and expect their understanding and blessings of us. Recent talks with my mother have only served to reaffirm my fears. Like any parents out there, mine just want the best for me. They want me to live the best life that can possibly come my way. And where marriage is concerned, they hope that I'll marry the best available catch out there. My mother's always told me and my sister: He doesn't have to be rich, but he must be hardworking and in a good professional job, and able to earn a good living to support the both of you. And because no one they know has ever deviated from this 'path', they cannot see me walking any other paths as well. They always joke about my wedding, what it'll be like; they talk about it like it's the same as most of my other cousins and relatives. They talk about bringing him back to Melaka to see my relatives and cousins. And inside I don't know to break it to them that there's a chance Jr may never be able to leave USA, and even if he can, it'll be only after 2017, when he gets off parole.
This blog is really getting to be all about Jr, huh? Haha, I can't help it, he consumes almost all my thoughts. I can only take all this one step at a time. I really have no clue what to do now, or how to proceed in all this, only time will tell. I just really ask for God's favor in all this.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I GOT AN IPHONE YESTERDAY!!! ^.^VIt was such a HUGE surprise, I wasn't expecting it. See, I was SUPPOSED to get one in mid July, but then apparently my father misread the phone contract expiry date, it ends only in mid July 2013. So I was crushed, and all ready to not have an iPhone this year, when my brother told me that his phone contract was expiring, and he didn't need a new phone anyway, so he'll give his 'free' phone to me! :D:D:D Ended up paying almost 500 bucks for it though :/ But I'm so happy right now, I can't believe my luck! I have to thank my father and brother for this lucky event though, hehehe XD
Labels: i got an iphone
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sometimes I wonder what I did in my past life that caused me to have to undergo all this agony when I fall in love. When I walk down the streets and I look at couples together, when I hear stories of people who fell in love with classmates, colleagues etc, I always wonder, "Why not me?" Why the hell do I have to go through so much shit when I fall in love?You can always say that I can give up. Then I wouldn't be suffering the way I am now. It's easy for me to just give it all up, to forget about a guy whom I've never met or talked to before. To just stop writing to him and disappear, and he has no way of finding me. And many times I wonder what would happen if I just walk away from him. I'm not going to lie, there have been times when it just gets too much for me, when the loneliness and the thought of all the obstacles that stand in between us just gets too much for me to bear, and I feel like giving up and just walking away from him. Sometimes I think I can't take it anymore, I feel like just breaking down and giving it all up. And then what? I'd lose the love of my life. I don't think anybody can fathom the depth of the feelings that I have for him. It's crazy, and even I think I'm crazy, but I've never held feelings for anyone before like I do for him. There's something far beyond my understanding, something almost extrasensory, something borne from the very deepest depths of my heart, that tells me that all this is right. Everything just fell into place for us to meet, and the circumstances were all just too right for it to just have been a coincidence.
They say falling in love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting that he/she won't ever use it. But when you love someone so deeply and intensely, in that tiny corner of your heart, there will always exist the fear that someday the other person will just walk away from you and leave you with nothing but your broken heart. I don't care about that person who said that it isn't true love if that insecurity exists- it must have been a guy who said that, because all women WILL always fear. They trust that it won't happen, they hope that it won't happen, they believe that like it won't happen. But that doesn't mean that they don't (in however tiny a bit) fear that someday it might happen, for whatever reasons. Maybe it's the same for men too, but I won't speak for them, because I'm not one.
No matter how many times he placates me, I always fear that one day, Jr will leave me. It doesn't matter what and how many times he says it, there still exists that part of me that fears that he'll give up on and walk away from us. I tell myself that it'll be his loss if that ever happens, but it's not so easy, it's not so simple. I love him too deeply to just brush him aside, to just forget about us.
If one day he REALLY does leave me, will I ever regret loving him? Will I ever regret us? The answer is NO, I won't. You can't regret something that you once wanted very much with all your heart. Of course I want everything to work out between us; after everything that we've been through together, I really hope and pray that it does. But this is life, and like everything (relationships or otherwise) in life, anything can happen. If things really don't work out between us, I won't ever regret doing all this, because for that once in my life, I fell in love with an amazing, wonderful guy who loved me back for who I am, who I can be real with, who's taught me so much about life and opened up my eyes to so many things. Jr changed me, he's the reason I've grown, matured, and am finally ready to be an adult.
Like that famous dog philosophy, "Chase what excites you, even if you don't always get it in the end".
Labels: love
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Errr... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO BLOGSPOT.COM??? Why has my url changed to blogspot.sg, and my background is screwed up???
Friday, June 01, 2012
My father did his first round of chemotherapy today at Raffles Hospital. It was a one and a half hour session, so while he did it (and with my mother accompanying him), I went to nearby Bugis to try and find some new outfits and a guestbook. I have 2 functions to attend to in these 2 weekends, and one of them is my birthday party, that's what the guest book is for, lol. I ended up going back to the hospital empty-handed :/ But the good news is, I STILL got 2 new outfits to wear for the 2 functions! Thanks to my mother ^.^ She had some clothes that she couldn't wear, so she gave them to me, so at the end of the day I still got my new outfits :):):) haha. But I need to really exercise this coming week, because the outfit for my birthday party is VERY fitting, and my tummy is really showing nowadays thanks to unhealthy eating habits that I picked up over the last year (and no thanks to my 10 gelatos over my Italy trip!), so I really need to try and slim it down in one weeks' time!!! :/