ME
I dunno if you can see this clearly, but I completed NIH's Web-based training course “Protecting Human Research Participants”! And I did pretty well, if I do say so myself:)
Last night I learnt how to play HK mahjong! And it's surprisingly fun. I'm still a noob though- there's so many tactics to learn, and I'm still unclear about all the "pong" and "hu" things.
I was so afraid; it felt like there were 2 persons in me, one controlling my mind and the other, my body. As the mountain of snack wrappers piled up beside me, I kept forcing myself to take a look at how much I'd consumed and to stop eating. And I only stopped when I decided to write this blog entry, to focus my attention elsewhere.
There's no point in wallowing in the guilt of the calories- what's done been done, and I'm not one to resort to bulimic means to try and lower the increased figures on my daily calorie counter. But it highlighted something painful to me, and which I suppose is time for me to confront: my love-hate relationship with food.
Throughout my life, I was never thin. I was never fat fat either- my BMI at its highest was ALMOST overweight only. I was 1.61m and 64kg, a BMI of 24.7 (overweight is 25- 29.9). So I suppose you could say that I was chubby. But when you are surrounded by skinny, small-sized Asian girls, the comparison is drastic. It didn't help that I had big boobs, a generous serving of thighs and arse, and a face that packed on the pounds first before the rest of my body got its share.
Still, I was contended with my body. I put on the weight when I was in my early adolescent (14kg in 2 years!) and till I was 17, I never felt compelled to do anything about my body size even though there were occasions that I wished I was skinner. My love-hate relationship with food already started then, but it wasn't anything serious. My friends in secondary school never found my weight or size a problem- they called me 'curvy' and told me I was lucky I could fill out corsets generously. So my body size was not an issue to me back then.
Until I went to JC.
JC was supposed to promise me a better time- I was out of a convent school, there were boys around, and it was just 2 years. But it rapidly degenerated into hell for me. Amongst all the shit that happened, one of them was that I got teased and bullied every single day about my weight. Even after I lost 5kg, I was still considered "fat" and "obese". A particular group of guys were at the heart of all the jokes about my weight, and they would say stuffs like, "Are you sure you can squeeze through those cars, you are so OBESE.", "You better not jump down from the stage, wait an earthquake will happen!", "You shouldn't eat, you are already so FAT!", "You shouldn't wear such a short dress, you are so FAT." and "I think for you, size XL lah." (even though I eventually wore a size M) I dieted strictly and lost weight till I was 53kg, but eventually I put back 5kg during my A-Levels when I was so stressed I ate non-stop while studying to keep myself awake and for that sugar high.
And I think till now, 2 years on, I still remain scarred by them. Whenever I walk between 2 cars, I'm reminded of them. I hate dresses because of them. I'm obsessed with squeezing into the smallest size I can squeeze into, because of them. I hate myself for being this way, and I'm trying to change my ways.
Sometimes, I see a chubby girl with her boyfriend, and I think to myself, "Will I ever find a guy who can love my body just the way it is?"
<♥>
Hello, my name is Mylene.
Screams
Monday, February 28, 2011
PARIS NEXT WEEEEK!!!:D I'm so excited! I've been to Paris before, but I don't mind going there again- you can never have too much Paris!
Okay, maybe you can...
It'll be 7 of us going and we're gonna squeeze into a mini-apartment which is located on a sex street lol! Anticipating the fun yeah!:D
It'll be 7 of us going and we're gonna squeeze into a mini-apartment which is located on a sex street lol! Anticipating the fun yeah!:D
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I dunno if you can see this clearly, but I completed NIH's Web-based training course “Protecting Human Research Participants”! And I did pretty well, if I do say so myself:)
Last night I learnt how to play HK mahjong! And it's surprisingly fun. I'm still a noob though- there's so many tactics to learn, and I'm still unclear about all the "pong" and "hu" things.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It happened again to me this afternoon. Massive Binge-ing. I complusively consumed shitloads of Oreos and SkyFlakes, totalling approximatey 1000 calories. Even when I was not hungry. Even when my mind kept screaming, "STOP FUCKING EATING!!!" My body refused to stop.I was so afraid; it felt like there were 2 persons in me, one controlling my mind and the other, my body. As the mountain of snack wrappers piled up beside me, I kept forcing myself to take a look at how much I'd consumed and to stop eating. And I only stopped when I decided to write this blog entry, to focus my attention elsewhere.
There's no point in wallowing in the guilt of the calories- what's done been done, and I'm not one to resort to bulimic means to try and lower the increased figures on my daily calorie counter. But it highlighted something painful to me, and which I suppose is time for me to confront: my love-hate relationship with food.
Throughout my life, I was never thin. I was never fat fat either- my BMI at its highest was ALMOST overweight only. I was 1.61m and 64kg, a BMI of 24.7 (overweight is 25- 29.9). So I suppose you could say that I was chubby. But when you are surrounded by skinny, small-sized Asian girls, the comparison is drastic. It didn't help that I had big boobs, a generous serving of thighs and arse, and a face that packed on the pounds first before the rest of my body got its share.
Still, I was contended with my body. I put on the weight when I was in my early adolescent (14kg in 2 years!) and till I was 17, I never felt compelled to do anything about my body size even though there were occasions that I wished I was skinner. My love-hate relationship with food already started then, but it wasn't anything serious. My friends in secondary school never found my weight or size a problem- they called me 'curvy' and told me I was lucky I could fill out corsets generously. So my body size was not an issue to me back then.
Until I went to JC.
JC was supposed to promise me a better time- I was out of a convent school, there were boys around, and it was just 2 years. But it rapidly degenerated into hell for me. Amongst all the shit that happened, one of them was that I got teased and bullied every single day about my weight. Even after I lost 5kg, I was still considered "fat" and "obese". A particular group of guys were at the heart of all the jokes about my weight, and they would say stuffs like, "Are you sure you can squeeze through those cars, you are so OBESE.", "You better not jump down from the stage, wait an earthquake will happen!", "You shouldn't eat, you are already so FAT!", "You shouldn't wear such a short dress, you are so FAT." and "I think for you, size XL lah." (even though I eventually wore a size M) I dieted strictly and lost weight till I was 53kg, but eventually I put back 5kg during my A-Levels when I was so stressed I ate non-stop while studying to keep myself awake and for that sugar high.
And I think till now, 2 years on, I still remain scarred by them. Whenever I walk between 2 cars, I'm reminded of them. I hate dresses because of them. I'm obsessed with squeezing into the smallest size I can squeeze into, because of them. I hate myself for being this way, and I'm trying to change my ways.
Sometimes, I see a chubby girl with her boyfriend, and I think to myself, "Will I ever find a guy who can love my body just the way it is?"